He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He kissed a someone with a penis
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize