So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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