when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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