Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
