When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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