We named our party play list daddy issues
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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