Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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