I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
