good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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