Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You need Xanax blowdarts
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
