you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
