saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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