matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
