Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
