im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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