chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The Olympian is in my bed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
