There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
