So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
