mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
