then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
