like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
