the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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