Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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