i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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