i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
