i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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