the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
