her vagina looked like bernie madoff
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
