i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
