You can't special order awesome
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
