I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
