I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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