An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
