Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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