Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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