i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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