I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
