you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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