Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
