Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
