I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
