I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How naked do you want me to be?
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