I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
