I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
