between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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