What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
