i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
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