how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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