ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
