He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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