i permit you to call me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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