I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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